The Michael Connolly Tragedy Should Not Have Happened

By Jeffery M. Leving

The death of Duncan and Jack Connolly, two Illinois children allegedly murdered by their father Michael Connolly, touched many people’s hearts. I lament this terrible tragedy. However, as a fathers’ rights advocate and attorney, I regret that this case is now reinforcing the malicious stereotype of the brutal father, potentially sabotaging the efforts of many good fathers who love their children and want to be a part of their lives. The media coverage of this case has pushed the fathers’ rights movement back 10 years.

The fact is that most fathers do not harm their children. Domestic violence is not gender specific. Some mothers have also committed similar unnatural acts. For example, I am currently representing a soldier, formerly deployed in Iraq, who is now struggling to rescue his daughter from the alleged abuse of her mother in Chicago.

Without a careful review of the entire file and transcripts of court proceedings, it is hard to say why the judge in the Connolly custody case made his decision to give unsupervised visitation rights to this father. With hindsight, it appears that the judge’s decision was clearly wrong. But, the current petition to remove that judge from the bench does not seem to solve the problem. The correct method of seeking accountability in such a matter is done through the Judicial Inquiry Board.

Until we know all the facts, I caution against unrestrained emotions which may militate against the rights of good fathers struggling to protect their children. A mother has lost two children; let us support her but not lose our sense of reason.

Illinois Virtual Visitation for Incarcerated Fathers

by Jeffery M. Leving

A non-violent felony conviction has landed Juan behind bars for the next three years. As Juan is trying to adjust to prison life, his young son is trying to adjust to life without a father. Juan, like countless numbers of inmates in Illinois, is locked up in a correctional facility far from where his elderly mother, wife and son live. The high cost of transportation and related expenses make regular visitation unaffordable for the impoverished family.

Every time someone breaks the law, there are victims. While the system tries to bring justice to those victimized, new victims are created.  The plight of the incarcerated fathers may not evoke sympathy in many people.  However, I must point out that the grief and suffering of their children are exacerbated by a correctional system that is ill-equipped to address the pain of losing their fathers.

Research has shown that children whose parents have been incarcerated “experience anger, anxiety, inability to concentrate, depression, preoccupation with their loss, sadness, grief, shame and fear following the incarceration.” However, children who often visit their incarcerated parents and do so under favorable conditions “exhibit fewer adjustment problems.” As for the prisoners, those who maintain strong family ties behave better during incarceration, re-enter society with better success, and have a lower rate of recidivism.

Many correctional facilities in Illinois are remotely located from the Chicago population. The sheer distance discourages many families from visiting their relatives in prison. The high costs of transportation, food and lodging, not to mention the substantial amount of time involved, are additional inhibiting factors. Most importantly, however, the prison can be an inimical environment for children so that a visit there may be traumatic. As a result, many families opt for telephone contact. Unfortunately, telephone contact is totally unsatisfactory. Not only is it expensive for the families because all calls from prison must be collect calls, but also frustrating to the children because they do not  see their parents.

Virtual Visitation for Incarcerated Fathers

For years, I have been warning of the damage done to children who grow up without contact with their fathers. Due to the large population of incarcerated fathers in Illinois, many children are growing up fatherless. Extensive research has shown that children whose fathers are involved in their lives perform better in school, complete more years of schooling, have fewer behavioral problems, have better cognitive and psychological development, experience less poverty, are less likely to drink and use drugs,  and have better self-control.

As the chairman of the Illinois Council on Responsible Fatherhood and as a fathers’ rights advocate, I have been pushing for the creation of a virtual visitation program for incarcerated fathers in Illinois. This program will enable children to interact with their incarcerated fathers via real-time video and audio conferencing, eliminating the problems associated with traveling to and visiting the prison. Instead, visits can be scheduled in a child-friendly environment – with toys and appropriate furnishings and decorations.

I have co-authored an amendment to the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act to provide for reasonable visitation between a child and a non-custodial parent through electronic communication including video conferencing. This bill (SB1590) is awaiting a decision at the Illinois State Senate, and would give legal support to the virtual visitation program for incarcerated fathers that I advocate.

Virtual visitation with inmates is not a new concept. The pioneer seems to have been the State of Pennsylvania, where a program began in 2001. The Pennsylvania Family Virtual Visitation, created by The Prison Society in partnership with the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections, provides high-tech video conferencing equipment that allows families to visit in “real time” with their loved ones who are incarcerated. For a small fee of $20, families can schedule a 55-minute visit once a month. According to The Prison Society, inmates, family members, and prison staff have expressed their support for and appreciation of this program. Correctional officers have reported that many inmates are better adjusted and seem happier after virtual visits. Virtual visitors express how important and meaningful the program is to the health and welfare of their families.

In Florida, there is a program called Reading and Family Ties, which allows incarcerated mothers to read stories to their children using live video via the Internet. The program has been credited with enhancing family unity, easing inmates’ transition back to society and improving literacy for both parents and children.

In Illinois, we, too, have had success with a pilot program for incarcerated mothers, but none for fathers. Through this incarcerated mother program, which was created through the partnership between the Illinois Department of Corrections and the Women’s Treatment Center, staff are available to the families prior to, during and after each visit to address their needs, and to ensure that the visit is child-focused.

A subsidiary benefit of virtual visitation for incarcerated fathers is the rehabilitation of the father, but the most cogent reason for implementing this program is the welfare of the child. It is past the time for Illinois to enact a law and establish a program that help the tens of thousands of children have a relationship with their incarcerated fathers.

Top 10: Mistakes Men Make in Divorce

By Jeffery M. Leving

It’s easy to make mistakes at the very beginning of the divorce process, especially if you’re dealing with someone who is highly manipulative, abusive or just plain irrational. Even if you are divorcing a reasonable person, it’s tough to think clearly and make the right initial decisions. Most people are so angry, upset or anxious at the end of their marriage that they’re not thinking logically about what they should do to protect themselves or their children from an unfair settlement.

In the past, the prevailing emotions during a divorce were usually sadness and regret. Today, anger is the dominant emotion: People are angry at their spouses, their spouses’ parents, at their spouses’ new partners, etc. All this anger translates into words and deeds that make the divorce process more costly, stressful, frustrating, lengthy, and an all out war. It doesn’t have to be that way, even if you are divorcing the most irrational of humans. Below are the 10 most common mistakes men make in divorce. If you can learn to place your emotions in check and avoid these mistakes, you can alleviate some of the pain that comes with any divorce.

#10 – Using Your Children as Pawns
Threatening to limit or deny visitation is a powerful threat, and it can terrify a parent who loves his child(ren). Often, parents who are the primary caregivers, but who lack the financial resources, feel that they must use this threat to gain sufficient financial support.

As painful as these threats are, do not respond in kind. Don’t issue threats of your own. Instead, recognize that in most cases, the truth will come out. If you’ve been a good, responsible parent, your spouse likely cannot deny you a chance to see your kids on a regular basis. More to the point, the court won’t allow it in most instances.

#9 – Thinking Romance First, Divorce Second
The most common factor that turns a normal divorce into an abnormally contentious one is bringing another woman into the mix. The situation is already potentially volatile, and all it takes is the mention that you have a new lover for your spouse to become infuriated.

There are several reasons you may want to announce your new relationship-revenge, one being to show her that someone finds you attractive and you’ve even found happiness. Try to keep a new relationship out of the conversations with your spouse and especially your children. The best decision is to wait until the divorce is concluded before you engage in a new relationship.

#8 – Allowing Your Spouse to Convince You to Not Hire An Attorney
If your spouse has hired a lawyer, you need to hire one quickly. If you don’t, you are an amateur playing against professionals. One underhand tactic is for a spouse’s attorney to offer to represent both parties to save time and money. Not only is it unethical, but it also creates a conflict of interest.

The process is designed to be adversarial, and there is no way a lawyer can fairly represent you both. The odds are that your spouse has something to hide or something she wants, and she knows that if you hire a lawyer it will be more difficult to achieve that goal.

#7 – Using Verbal Abuse
Just about everyone who gets a divorce argues. Not everyone, however, engages in continuous verbal battles in which threats and vile accusations become routine forms of communication. Being on the receiving end of this abuse is demoralizing, especially when the threats raise the possibility of physical harm to you or your children.

You need to discuss any threats of this type with your attorney, who can advise you on how to deal with them. Furthermore, if it is you who’s engaging in the verbal abuse, remember that your spouse can easily obtain an order of protection and any violation of this order can land you in jail. There is a myth that men do not endure verbal or even physical abuse from their spouses, but it is just a myth. Abuse is not gender specific.

#6 – Rubbing Salt In the Wound
If your goal is to avoid a court battle and the high costs that go with it, then you want to avoid any accusations of personality flaws. Be aware of your spouse’s sensitivities and avoid inflaming them. Compromise is the essence of divorce negotiations, and if you say and do things to encourage your spouse to dig in and be inflexible, you’re asking for a war.

No matter how much you despise your spouse; no matter how many ways you feel you’ve been wronged, don’t make a bad situation worse by identifying your spouse’s vulnerabilities when trying to reach a settlement. Always try to negotiate before you litigate.

#5 – Using a Difficult Attorney
Lawyers can turn good divorces into bad ones and bad divorces into nightmares. It’s not just divorcing spouses that are difficult. Certain lawyers are intent on churning fees, and they can cleverly manipulate situations to their financial advantage. The result is couples who will fight over the big and little things and invariably wind up in court and broke.

Do not fall for the myth that you have to find a take-no-prisoners attorney, someone who is ruthless and will use any tactic necessary to “win” the case. When there is one difficult attorney, the odds are the divorce will be costly and unpleasant. When there are two difficult attorneys, the divorce will be a total nightmare.

#4 – Becoming Passive
The last thing you want to do when your spouse announces she wants a divorce is to become completely acquiescent. Many people are manipulative, and if they think they can manipulate you into getting what they want out of the divorce, such as money, property or custody, they will do so.

If you are stunned or saddened, you may agree to anything and everything your spouse recommends. Don’t confuse passivity with being reasonable. My experience is that the shock of divorce soon wears off, and once it does, you’re much less vulnerable to making this mistake.

#3 – Arguing About Who Gets What
In most divorces where couples have been married for a number of years, disputes about property arise, and sometimes these arguments are perfectly understandable. These arguments, however, can become completely irrational and vengeance-based. I had a client say, “I would rather incur 10 times in legal fees what the painting costs than allow her to have it!”

These arguments can be draining emotionally (not to mention financially), but it helps to recognize that no matter how your spouse uses these objects in the bargaining process, the court generally divides property fairly if both parties have competent attorneys.

#2 – Serving Your Spouse with Divorce Papers in Embarrassing Places
Having an officer of the law serve your spouse at home or business should be reserved for cases where they refuse to file an appearance or accept service of process, or where great conflict exists between the two parties.

There is nothing more embarrassing than having a police officer serve you with papers at work, and nothing more unnerving than hearing the doorbell ring at 2 a.m. and seeing a policeman at the door (and having your neighbors see him as well).

If your spouse uses this tactic on you, as obnoxious as it may be, remain calm.

#1 – Responding to An Impending Divorce With Anger
The early stages of the divorce process can be a highly emotional time when people say things they do not mean or act in unusual or uncharacteristic ways. Divorces “blow up” legally when one person responds to anger with even greater anger, creating an escalating war of attrition that otherwise would have been a brief skirmish.

Therefore, allow a bit of time to pass before you do anything. Your spouse may settle down after blowing off some steam, and you can continue to move forward in a reasonable manner.

Should Mental Health Evaluations Have a Role in Family Court

By Josh Hoff

One spouse is angry, the other is scared.  Both parties hire attorneys. One even brings in a mental health professional in an attempt to tip the scale in a child custody dispute.

Just how much influence do these mental health evaluations have in a child custody case? When the two parties in a trial become particularly adversarial, a mental health evaluator often enters the disagreement.  While it is rare for a mental health evaluator to appear at the trial, an expert very well may prepare a written report for submission to the court.  If the report is well-written, it is more likely to have an impact on the outcome of the case. 

The truth is, the weight of a mental health evaluation in a child custody case varies tremendously, with the judge in each case making the final determination.  Each judge does in fact know, however, that evaluators are often hired by one side or the other.  Bias may enter the equation, and judges know as much. 

In such cases, mental health evaluations are just one component in the much larger machinery of justice that has been set in motion.  There are other components as well.  The overall well-being of the child, for instance, is a factor.  If a child shows all the signs of good health, the court may be more accommodating in its assessment the parents.  The mental health of the child’s parents also needs to be considered.  One parent may very well be depressed but able to function in the role of a parent, while the other parent may suffer from a far more debilitating mental health condition that hinders their ability to perform as a parent.

The May 2005 issue of Family Court Review addresses the debate surrounding the role of mental health evaluation in child custody cases.  In an article by Timothy Tippins and Jeffrey Wittmann, the authors outline a model for what experts can justifiably present in a custody case – more specifically, the authors develop a four-level process that aims first and foremost to foster the best interest of the child.

According to their model, experts with sufficient training can offer family court judges admissible information at the first two levels – that is, level I, what the mental health evaluator observes, and level II, what the expert concludes about the psychological makeup of a parent, child, or family.  At level III, Tippins and Wittmann encourage operating in accordance with the conclusions grounded in empirical research within the discipline of psychology.  At Level IV, Tippins and Wittmann suggest that a recommended custody plan for the child would be inherently biased and, therefore, should not be admissible in court.  The plan thus acknowledges a place for mental health evaluation in a case, while implying the importance of limiting its admissibility in court.

Typically, however, if the court deems a parent unable to comprehend the scope of their role as a parent, it will try to protect the child.  Likewise, when the court does not trust a parent with a child, it might grant custody to the other parent and require supervised visitation.  It is important to note, however, that broad brush strokes are not employed in arriving at the final decision.  Rather, courts attempt to take into account the circumstances surrounding the case, enabling them to weigh psychological makeup on a case-by-case basis and adjudicate accordingly.

This tendency stems from the fact that there is no consensus about what constitutes mental illness, a term used to denote a problem that is fundamentally biological.  In some instances, perceived mental illness is in fact simply a matter of living.  For example, parents may be depressed but are still able to do what they need to do.  But a personality disorder, schizophrenia, and a bipolar disorder may pose more serious risks to the well-being of a child.  A bipolar parent, for example, needs to be treated, often with a combination of medication and psychotherapy.  The way for any parent suffering mental illness to be seen in the most favorable light in court is to be proactive and get into treatment.

Ultimately, the court will consider whether parents are able to put aside their own needs to take care of their children.  Furthermore, it is essential that a parent show the capacity to empathize. If so, more often than not, the impact of mental health evaluation will be just one of several factors contributing to the outcome of a child custody case.

VIRTUAL VISITATION-New Technology is Changing the Way Divorced Fathers Can Connect with Their Children

By Michael Gough

The reality of divorce for most men means that they will have less time to spend with their children. The average divorced father has only four days of visitation a month. For fathers who live in cities distant from their children, it can be months between visits. But, because a child’s world is always changing, unless you keep in touch regularly and consistently, you risk falling behind. Until recently, the only real option was to talk over the telephone, which many fathers say is insufficient to build or maintain meaningful bonds with their children, especially if they are young.

But currently there is a new movement underway throughout the country to utilize advances in electronic communication technology to supplement non-custodial parents’ visitation time called “Virtual Visitation.”

Virtual Visitation has been referred to by many names: electronic communication, virtual parent-time, Internet visitation, computer visitation, video calls and others.  The common legal term is ‘Virtual Visitation,’ though it may vary from state to state or individual preference. Virtual Visitation involves using tools such as personal video conferencing, a webcam, email, instant messaging (IM) and other wired or wireless technologies over the Internet or other communication media to supplement in-person visits and telephone contacts between children and their parents.

Virtual visitation has many applications, such as:

  For divorced parents to communicate with their children
 
  For parents traveling on business or vacation to keep in touch with their family
 
  For grandparents to keep in touch with their distant family members and grandchildren
 
  For Families seeking a better way to communicate other than the telephone
 
  For children whose parents are overseas on military duty
 
  For elderly care facilities so family members can keep in touch
 
  For counseling centers for a way their patients can communicate with their children
 
  For supervised visits for parents and their children
 
  For domestic violence and high conflict situations
 
  Remote education

What Virtual Visitation is not is a replacement or substitute for in-person contact with your children. The most important contact you can have with your children is face-to-face.  Virtual Visitation is not intended to support or justify relocation or move-away cases by a custodial parent.

Virtual Visitation is an additional way to improve your communication with your children when you can not physcially be with them and should never be used to replace or substitute in-person or face-to-face visits with your children.

After my daughter was relocated from Utah to Wisconsin I had not seen her for about three months when I flew to Wisconsin to be with her for the weekend. She did not immediately run up and greet me, but hesitated. She was only four years old. Her father was now distant and it showed after only three months. A few weeks after I started using video calls with her I visited again and this time when she saw me, she ran up and hugged me. The difference: she had just seen me days earlier on the computer via a video call. I was able to read her stories, show her that I was there for her, which helped us to build lasting memories and the security that children need to have with their parents.

If your children are young, you can read them stories, or they can read to you. You can teach them how to type, use Instant Messaging to send you greetings, play games, show them their favorite stuffed animals, their pets, pictures or any other personal affects. They can show you their teeth that they lose with incredible clarity. Another major benefit is that other extended family members can participate. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and family friends can all communicate over a video call to keep the sense of family fresh in their minds and reinforce we are there for them.

As children get older, you can help them with their homework, help with spelling lessons, language lessons, play musical instruments and provide feedback on written assignments. The custodial parent can even ask the non-custodial parent for help reinforcing a parental decision over a video call.

Many psychologists support the use of Virtual Visitation because it is visual and therefore is a far better tool for connecting with children than the telephone.

Virtual Visitation can help reduce the impact of a divorce that involves a move-away, which affects roughly 25 percent of all divorces with children. A move-away situation can be very traumatic on children, as their fathers (or mothers) are removed from their lives and left to only a few in-person visits per year. Children change so rapidly, seeing them often helps you to stay close and reduce the adjustment that occurs when you first get together after a separation. The last time I saw my daughter when she left Utah, she had long hair. The first time I saw her on a video call three months later she had given herself a haircut and had very short hair. I was able to adjust to the change long before I saw her in-person again. So when we saw each other we were able to focus on each other and the child and parent bond, not on the impact of the changes that occur so rapidly with children. It reduced that adjustment to a few minutes, not hours or days. It was a remedy that helped reduce the impact of divorce for both of us.

During these extended visits with the non-custodial parent, the custodial parent can benefit by using Virtual Visitation to stay in touch with the children when they are away. But, a video call can never replace the real thing – the in-person contact that each of you need to build and sustain a lasting bond. Fathering cannot be replaced with a computer. Virtual Visitation is only a tool, a remedy, to help reduce the impact of divorce and father absence on children.

Some critics have suggested that Virtual Visitation legislation could make it easier for judges to allow move-aways. But the authors of Virtual Visitation bills have been careful to craft language that specifically protects against this type of misuse. However, if the courts do allow a move-away, Virtual Visitation can be a great benefit to both parent and child and help them remain connected between in-person visits. Most importantly, it helps children understand that their non-custodial parent has not abandoned them.

But Virtual Visitation is not just for move-away situations. There is no reason you can not use it even if you live around the corner from your children. The goal is to be there for you children, to let them know you are always available and to build long lasting relationships with your children that will last a lifetime.

Michael Gough is the founder of InternetVisitation.org.

HOME REMEDY-New Company Helps Men Remake Their Living Space After Divorce

By Beth Neuman

Although both men and women can face a tough period of transition following the break-up of a marriage, men often have a more difficult time reorganizing their lives after divorce. Because women typically retain custody of the children and residence of the marital home, men face the dual challenge of adjusting to their new parental role and making a new home.

Men who have had little or no input into the day-to-day household decisions while married often find the latter task to be the most perplexing. For some men in this situation, the last time they were responsible for maintaining their own home, their apartments were decorated with empty liquor bottles and furniture from their parent’s basement.

While reliving these days – and décor – may seem at first like a romantic notion or an expression of lost youth, this is not something that often works out in the long run. A messy or unfurnished home could hurt a guy’s chances with new relationships because women often see a man’s living space as a reflection of the whole person and his potential as a mate. But most importantly, divorced men need to provide a comfortable and appropriate living environment for visitation with their children.

Unfortunately, getting your life and living space together after a divorce takes time – something many men who work long hours just don’t have. Although many men have the resources, they simply don’t have the time or knowledge to get their lives on track.

A new company, Hemancipation Interiors for Men (HIM), focuses exclusively on guiding men through this transition. The company’s select group of consultants taps into a nationwide network of resources and experts to help men find a new residence and create a comfortable new home after divorce. Because Hemancipation Interiors for Men employs interior designers, architects, lifestyle consultants and relationship managers, they offer divorced men a variety of experts that can assist them based on their own specific needs.

According to the company’s founder, Akilah Kamaria, the inspiration for Hemancipation Interiors for Men came from an item in the society section of a newspaper. The note was about a successful businessman whose wife had filed for a divorce. He was spotted in the lobby of the luxury hotel where he had taken up residence. The notation was not kind – he was being ridiculed because he was living in the hotel. Kamaria said that although she did not know the circumstances of the divorce she felt compassion for the man whose life had evidently been turned upside down.

“That’s when my journey began,” said Kamaria. “I needed answers so I initiated discussion with men – a lot of men – everywhere I went. I wanted to know what choices and services were available to them. So I talked to therapists and attorneys, I talked to men in barbershops, in taxicabs, in elevators, on the street and at grocery stores. I also searched the web, read books, magazines or any relevant literature that I could find on the subject. One thing was soon evident: no matter the socio-economic scale, from CEO’s to the security guard in the lobby, the male experience was consistent. They did not have a resource.”

Kamaria said all the stories were unique, but had a common thread. One gentleman said it has been five years since his divorce (his wife was cheating while he worked two jobs) and he was still struggling to get his life back on track. Another gentleman went to church one Sunday morning and came back home to an empty house, his wife had taken all their belongings and he was left with nothing. One divorced man moved into the couple’s second home when the divorce was final and quickly discarded everything in the home because he always hated his ex-wife’s taste. According to Kamaria, these men had the financial resources, but were living in empty unfurnished houses because they lacked the time, inclination or knowledge to create a comfortable space.

Kamaria said she was surprised to find many women were not supportive of her endeavor.

“The general female population was not interested in my newfound desire to assist men,” Kamaria said. “They expressed an odd displeasure with me as if I was betraying the gender by even caring what men were experiencing. As if men somehow deserved the hardship and punishment of divorce. No matter the fact that maybe he was the ‘good’ guy in all of this.”

The fact is everyone, especially men, need support during the transition that follows divorce. And there are many issues newly single fathers have to consider that may have previously been their ex-wife’s domain: food allergies and food preferences, medicine, clothes shopping, decorating, favorite toys, doctor’s information, hobbies and school functions.

The following are six tips developed by Kamaria for dads looking to make their new homes kid-friendly. More information on Kamaria and Hemancipation Interiors for Men can be found online at www.hisdesigner.com.

Private Space: Ensure that child has their own space in your home. Sleeping on a sofa/floor or in an open area is not conducive to having your child feel stable in your home. For teen girls, make sure there are little mini containers in the bathroom for her personal affects.

Decorating Dad: Invite your children to help with decorating their room in your new home. Your child can pick paint colors, posters, and toys to decorate the room. If you keep a second set of their favorite items, clothes, toys, games, etc. it eliminates the drama of forgotten toys and clothes while transferring from mom’s place to dad’s place. It helps the child to feel secure and make visits less traumatic.

Leather Love: Men’s preference for leather works well with children because it is a great fabric that is easily cleaned of minor spills. Leather is great to create a comfortable masculine space and your child can bring their dog or cat for the weekend because leather does not collect pet hair.

Safety First: Men and women see things differently and mothers are on the lookout in the father’s space for safety issues, items that may pose a danger to children. Look around your home; is it clean and comfortable? Take an inventory of items that may be issue- Glass tables, sharp edges on furniture, cleaning supplies under the cabinet, stairs without a stair guard, etc. If you have toddlers, crawl around on the floor to see what they see at their eye level. Ex-wives I have spoken to did not want the children visiting Dad’s new residence because they were concerned about perceived safety issues although they never mentioned it to the ex-husband.

Image is Everything: Make sure there are images in your home of your children, especially if you have remarried and have children with your new wife. Children notice if they are not represented and will feel unwanted and forgotten even if they do not mention it. For dads handy with a computer, use your children pictures to create the screensaver on your home computer. It’s a nice touch; and if you are not computer literate, you can ask your child to do it. They will enjoy the task and appreciate the attention from dad.

Create School Space: Ensure that your children have space to do homework in your new residence, even if you are living in a small space. Make sure there is a desk or area for the child to work. This shows that you have thought of their needs even if you are no longer with them each day. Sign up for your child’s’ school newsletter to stay involved in their activities. Most schools have online sites, so check out the school calendar.

No More Vanilla Visitation: Some Ideas to Maximize Your Weekends with Your Children

By Beth Neuman
Let’s face it. Many divorced dads don’t get the luxury of living with their children or even seeing them every week. That’s why it’s so important to enjoy the time that you do get to spend with them and plan activities that will strengthen your relationship.

Whether you’ve got your kids for a weekend or a week, there are a wide variety of activities single dads can do with their kids, no matter what their interests and ages are.

Young Children:
+ Children’s Museum – These museums offer a safe and fun learning environment. There’s sure to plenty of educational activities to keep them entertained for hours.

 +Petting Zoo – Young children are fascinated by animals. Interacting with animals can open up the lines of communication – even with your youngest tot. Just make sure to keep an eye on where they (and you) are stepping.

 +Pet Store – You don’t have to get a new pet to enjoy a pet store. Take time to look at all of the different animals. If you’re feeling like super-dad, you can even buy them a pet. It might be wise to stick with a small hassle-free pet, such as a fish or turtle, or risk incurring the wrath of your ex-wife.

 +Park/Picnic – Venture out to a new park, pack a picnic lunch, and don’t forget the juice boxes, snacks, and plenty of napkins.

 +Concerts/Theatrical Event – If you’re brave enough to handle an arena of screaming tikes, why not take them to a concert or play. Check your local community centers or online for information.

Older Children:
 +Board Game Night – Remember when you used to stay up all night wired on coke playing Battleship, Operation, and Monopoly? Relive those days with your own children. Order a pizza, get a couple two-liters bottles of soda and let the games begin!

 +Video Games – Teach the young ones a few new tricks. Warning: modern video game controllers are much more complicated then the two-button joysticks of the Atari-era.

 +Shopping – Although this might make some kids (and dads) cringe, others love to get out and look around in stores, etc. Be sure to talk to you kids and be firm about spending limits. You will survive.

 +Bike Ride – Why not take a nice bike ride to your local ice cream or candy store? You probably could use the exercise anyway. Just be sure that the kids can handle their bike before you’re a mile away from home.

 +Pool – Cool off and take a break by relaxing in the water. Pools are inexpensive and can keep your kids entertained for hours!

Teens:
 +Theme Park – Six Flags and other theme parks are all over the country. Just make sure you pick a good day – rain can put a damper on things, but nothing is worse than being stuck for two hours sweltering in a long line.

 +Camping – Map out a camping destination and head for the great outdoors. This is a perfect activity for older children and teens. All you’ll need is a tent, a cooler full of food, a first aid kit and an industrial-size can of bug spray. And yes, S’mores are as good as you remember.

 +Museums – Many people that actually live near or in a city don’t take the time to see the tourist attractions and museums that big cities have to offer. Note: make sure this is something that interests your children otherwise you’re bound to hear a lot of sighs and see a lot of eye-rolling.

 +Sporting Events – Don’t mess with success. For generations dads have been taking their children to the ballpark to bond with them. Eat hot dogs and cheer for the home-team and impress your teen with your sports knowledge.

 +Concerts – Ask your kids about their favorite bands and find out when the next one will be in town for a concert. You might be surprised to find you’ve actually heard of them. Regardless, they’ll always remember singing along with their favorite band with their dad.

The most important thing to remember is that it’s not really what you do, but how you do it. No matter how you spend your time, make sure you really reach out to your child and try to communicate with them. Spending quality-time with your child is essential to maintaining a great father-child relationship after a divorce. They need to know that you are there for them and want to spend time with them.

The PATERNITY Question-New Research, Increased Use of DNA Testing Fueling Debate on Paternity Fraud Laws

by Cheryl Macdonald
A study released last month by Liverpool John Moores University in England suggests that 1 in 25 fathers could unknowingly be raising another man’s child. The study concludes that 4 percent of all men are unwittingly bringing up a child they have not fathered.

These statistics are in line with figures available in the U.S. A report issued by the American Association of Blood Banks in 2000 found that nearly 30 percent of paternity tests conducted in the U.S. reveal that the man being tested is not the biological father. Partially as a result of the availability of DNA paternity testing, thousands of fathers every year are discovering that “their” child is someone else’s.

This situation has raised many serious legal questions. Many of these “duped dads” continue to be liable for child support for other men’s children. Are they still responsible? What kind of compensation do these fathers deserve and what punishment, if any, do mothers who intentionally misidentified the father deserve?

More importantly than the legal and financial issues, there are significant emotional consequences when the truth about paternity is revealed. While many men challenging paternity have little or no relationship with their children, some men have loved and raised these children from the day they were born. Finding out the truth about paternity can be emotionally devastating for both “father” and child.

These questions and concerns are at the heart of an ongoing debate about paternity fraud legislation. In the wake of the new technology, the courts have been flooded with ex-husbands and unwed fathers trying to disestablish paternity for children a DNA test proves are not theirs.

But the laws on the books on most states are based on a 500-year-old English common-law doctrine that a married man is always legally presumed the father of a child born of the marriage.

The situation for unmarried men is not much better. They can be ordered to pay child support for children they did not father through default paternity and child support judgments without the alleged father’s knowledge.

Carnell A. Smith turned his personal battle against paternity into a crusade. In 2002, Smith, founder and executive director of U.S. Citizens Against Paternity Fraud, helped pass paternity fraud legislation in his home state of Georgia.

Smith’s case was one of the most high-profile paternity fraud cases to date. Smith, represented by noted Chicago attorney and fathers’ rights advocate Jeffery Leving, even petitioned the Supreme Court to hear his case. Although the Court ultimately denied his request, his case helped bring the issue into the national spotlight.

All told approximately 12 states currently have some form of paternity fraud law that permits a man who learns he is not the child’s biological father to legally disestablish paternity. Several of these are open-ended, such that the man can file his motion to vacate his paternity at any time after the child’s birth. Others have a stricter statute of limitations of two to three years. The statutes also vary with in regards to whether child support arrearages can be erased and also ongoing visitation and parenting time.

However, currently no states allow “duped dads” to be compensated for child support already paid. And although advocates in some states, such as Illinois and Vermont, have introduced bills criminalizing paternity fraud – there are still no real consequences for women who intentionally misidentify the father of their child.
Advocates of paternity fraud legislation see these restrictions on paternity legislations as a grave injustice.

“Ignoring paternity fraud is not different than ignoring DNA testing showing a convicted murderer wasn’t guilty of murder,” said Leving. “Paternity fraud is just as reprehensible as many other kinds of fraud from which Americans need protection. Whenever there is an unlawful, unconstitutional taking of money, those monies should be returned. And even if they can’t be returned, there should be a law that they must be returned. Without that, where is the morality in our society in allowing any type of fraud to exist and allowing the wrongdoer to keep the profits of their actions?”

But opponents argue paternity fraud legislation imperils children by voiding a parent-child relationship that could provide essential emotional and financial support.

“Paternity fraud statutes—predicated on enhanced and cheaper genetic testing—are being used to destroy established, functional families,” stated feminist law professor Melanie Jacobs in a recent article in Amicus, a publication from MSU College of Law. “Simply because we have the means to determine biological parentage with greater certainty does not mean that it is in the best interests of children to do so.”

Some in favor of paternity fraud legislation dismiss claims that tougher laws will allow “duped dads” to legally abandon “their” children. Instead they cite the many cases in which the “dad” does not want to abandon the child he has come to love as his own, but feels pushed out by the system. In one Texas case, the judge ordered a man to pay child support for another man’s three children and cut off his visitation with all of the children.

Advocates for fathers seeking disestablishment of paternity say that the biological fathers should support their children. They contend making men pay child support for the children proven by DNA testing not to be theirs is not in the best interests of children and can deprive children of ever knowing their true biological fathers.

Even with all the heated moral and legal arguments on both sides, ultimately, it might all come down to money. State governments have a vested financial interest in curbing paternity disestablishment. If men who are paying child support no longer have to and authorities can’t find the real fathers, welfare agencies will get the bill for family assistance. Also, under federal guidelines, states must identify the fathers of children whose mothers are receiving benefits or risk losing federal incentive money. In addition, states receive federal funding on child-support orders. Because federal rules do not require DNA testing to prove paternity, states have no incentive to demand accuracy in establishing paternity

In 2002, former California governor Gray Davis vetoed paternity fraud legislation for his state, claiming that the state might not meet federal requirements on collecting child-support payments, putting the state at risk of losing $40 million in federal funds.

In the end it might be easier for child support agencies to financially squeeze the “duped dad” than to find the biological dad, who may not even know he has a child and would welcome the opportunity to step up to the plate and be Dad.